Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
