i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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