I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
whose parrot is this?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
