At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
