My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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