I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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