Pregnant stripper...not hot.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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