Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hippo gnu deer
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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