Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
