shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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