dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
