i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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