Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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