Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
