People in love make me want to vomit
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
