I wish my penis had an off switch
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
