I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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