we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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