The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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