my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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