His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
