Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
