Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
