I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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