someone threw a dead crab at me
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
