soooo we both peed the bed last night...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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