I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
No subtext here. People are naked.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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