where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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