I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
