I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
