Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize