I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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