remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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