I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
