Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
