Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
