I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
