Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
