highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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