The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
