Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
