Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I believe in your delicious
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