I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
