oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
