needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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