theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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