Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
