Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
