I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
