apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
