He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
