I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
