the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
