I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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