I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize