I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
