Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
worst night to have a conscience
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize