That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
