I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
